over again, fourth step

over again
*
i was walking in no direction particular. i have never felt so light. it was like all my loads that had been weighing me down for the past year was all lifted. i was not sad or depressed but happy.after all this time, i feel like i can smile again. the view from here was white, a small breeze and the sun, its bright but not hot. the further i walked the happier i was. in front was sun set, not any sun set but the one on the cliff. by the cliff, there was a man sitting on the edge, whistling beauty and the beast. everything seems familiar but again not at all. i sat down beside him and gave a side glance. it's christain.
hey babe
hey, are you real? or am i just dreaming?
you are dreaming and i am real. i am visiting chris. visiting you in your dreams.
i stayed silent, although there were tons of things that i wanted to tell him. how i wished to follow him into the after life. how i want to be with him again.
babe, what happened to what i told you, to life well and find happiness? you know everyday, i wish i could be by you, but i can't. i was there watching you and seeing you suffer is something i cannot stand. everyday, i hope you could step out of it, even a tiny step would make me feel happy but you didn't. all you did was shrink further and further from reality.
the tears were at the brink of falling down.
then what chris? after all we have been through, after how i caused your death you expect me to live well? to leave you? i can't. thinking that you are my last and then losing you. i went bonkers. everywhere i go, everything i do, every step i take reminds me of you. with you i could be anything, i could do anything. with you gone, my heart aches, i feel nothing it's like i am trapped inside unable to get out. 
my voice from a soft whisper to shouting. the tears flowed endlessly down my face.
babe, you did not cause my death. if i can take my presence from your memory i would rather do that then to see you suffer. it hurts me seeing you suffer. babe, you got to let me go. i am a memory now, i can't be anything else to you. you got to let go.
i don't want to let go. you are the best i ever had. i don't even know how to let go.
you have to. i'll show you.
gently he held my hands. i didn't notice my hands were clenched in a fist. with a little force he opened my fist.
i looked up to his face. a single tear ran down his flawless face as he started to disappear.
don't suffer anymore, please. live well, find happiness.
chris, chris, CHRISTAIN! NO!
*
i opened my eyes, my cheek was wet, my eyes were probably red. the sun was shining into my eyes. where am i? i thought to myself. my head was pounding, i closed my eyes trying to recall what happened but nothing came. i probably got too drunk and some kind soul just sent me to this hotel. i turned to the other side and reached out for a pillow, instead i got an arm. i jumped out of bed.
HOLY SHIT! WHO ARE YOU?
startled by my voice, he sat up on the bed, half naked. he was rubbing his eyes.
jesus. can you not shout in the morning?
it was christ.
why are you here? i thought you left yesterday?
i went back to the cafe to get my car and i came back to make sure you are okay. instead you almost got laid by some fugly looking guy.
fugly?
ffing ugly. ya'know?
he got out of bed and poured a glass of water.
i bet you also don't remember puking on me.
i just stared. i was at a loss of words. he walked over to the fridge and got a bottle with lemon slices inside.
for your hangover, which you would most likely have.
thanks. i mumbled.
i walked over to the couch, took a sip my my drink. christ sat opposite me drinking water.
so you really don't remember anything. he said it in a way like a parent lecturing their kid.
yeah. i can only remember up till walking out of the pub and i fell i think.
you fell into the arms of the fugly guy. no wait to be exact the fugly looking guy caught you. he nod his head with his hands on his chin.
oh really? please do tell me more sir christ tyler.
that's the spirit student christine. so he caught you and he asked if you would want to take a little nap with his friends over to his place and that's when i saw you and pulled you away. then you...
then i what?
then you puked on me. 
despite the situation, i burst out laughing. he just gave a 'seriously?' look but i couldn't stop laughing. then i remembered christain. i stopped.
shall we leave soon? he was surprised by the sudden abrupt change of topic.
yeah. let's go.
*
the ride back was silent other than the radio that was playing some classics. he was whistling and bobbing his head.
turn right here.
yes boss.
i am not your boss.
yes boss.
i rolled my eyes. soon the car stopped. i opened the door.
thanks for the ride christ.
i got up and walked towards the building.
HEY CHRISTINE! i turned back.
yeah?
what's your number? i was thinking if you ever need someone to accompany again you could call me. or if i need someone to puke on i could call you?
i jog back towards the car. we exchange numbers and he left. maybe he could be another felicia or dylan. that'll be nice. humming beauty and the beast i skipped home.
*
that's all midnight bunnies!!!
sorry for taking so long for this post
i was brain dead literally. oh wells.
there would be a over again, second step side story coming up tomorrow(:
for now, goodnight!!!