over again, first step

i used to think i couldn't go a day without your smile. without telling you things and hearing your voice back. then that day arrived and it was so damn hard but the next is harder. and i know with a sinking feeling is was going to get worse and i wasn't going to be okay for a very long time. because losing someone isn't an occasion or event. it doesn't just happen once. it happens over and over again. i lose you every time i pick up your favourite coffee mug; whenever that one song plays on the radio, or when i discover your old t-shirt at the bottom of my laundry pile. i lose you every time i think of kissing you, holding you or wanting you. i go to bed at night and lose you, when i wish i could tell you about my day. and in the morning , when i wake and reach for the empty space across the sheets, i begin to lose you all over again.
*
it's 3 am all over again. the thoughts of you start running in my head endlessly. there was no way to stop it in any way. the penknife on my right, the laptop, books and dairy on my left. the dairy that contains all the memories that once brought a smile on my face just seems to hard to touch anymore. burning it was a good idea, but being able to accept the fact seems more realistic. your smile, your kiss, your hugs the thought of suicide was always tempting but i know it is not what you want. your last words it is still all so vivid. it's like everything just happen yesterday, but that was a year ago. live well, find happiness you said. those weak hands. the soundless breathing. the soft whisper followed by silence. you took away everything; my heart my soul. the past year had gone by meaninglessly. friends are still there accepting the new me. but it so hard to smile without you. it so hard to do anything without you around. and it only made it worst to know that i caused your death and what's worst is like everything just happened yesterday.
*
babe, babe wake up you'll be late for work. that husky voice that i will follow where ever i go.
5 minutes. i am tired. i mumbled
no. really you'll be late, and if you don't get up this instant i'll-
he tickled me mercilessly. i was squirming and pushing him away, but we just ended closer together. the distinguished jawline, thick eyebrows, hazel eyes made him look like an angel even with his messy hair. an angel in disguise.
now i am awake and sweaty. it's like i just ran 10 kilometers. panting
everything would be easier if you just woke up, but then again, this is my morning entertainment. and,
YOU'RE MAKING BREAKFAST we shouted in harmony.
everyday had been similar to this, making each other do breakfast though we had already agreed to take turns on alternate days.
Heyyyyyy, i made breakfast and dinner yesterday, and you didn't give me my letter yet! i countered
I am not giving letter till you make breakfast. 
that's not fair!
you are not fair
KIDDO
says the kiddo
i bit his ear and jumped out of bed before he could catch me, as usual he scooped me up and put me over his shoulder.
lemme go you buff ass monster!
say please
please
i changed my mind now say hubby i love you
hubby i love you, now let me down!
he threw me into the bathtub and switched on the tap.
you buff ass monster
that makes you the buff ass monster's wife.
*
-beep beep beep-
i reached out to my right the space now empty and cold. my cheek wet. if only i could go back in time i wouldn't be here alone. times like this the choice of ending everything is so tempting. sitting at the edge of the bed, it can never go back to how it was ever again. everything changed. there is no turning back. no matter how many times you have that dream. he can never come back. i turned and stared at the empty space. no one. no one could replace him.
*
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so that's part one of over again. it's inspired by Lang Leav's short passage, the first paragraph of the story. i just thought of the story after reading the passage. anyway for the crossroads the part 3 would be out soon. so stay tuned(:
sleep early for all the midnight bunnies out there!!!!
nights!!!