over again, twelfth step

over again
*
i woke up to the constant ringing of my phone. instead of picking up i walked over to the door and opened it. christ stood there with the phone stuck to his ear.
what time is it?
one in the afternoon.
and how long have you been here?
ever since ten?
i rolled my eyes at him.
come on in.
the moment i took a step back my world of vision spun. my legs gave way and i fell to the ground.
CHRISTINE!
he rushed in and held me by my shoulders.then i heard him gasped.
what's wrong?
christ scooped me up and carried me back to my room. there, through the blurry vision of mine, i could see the bed which was initially white, parts of it was tainted with red. he put me down on the side of the bed that was still white, then he rushed to the toilet.
FUCK!
he then later came out with a wet towel and wrapped it around my wrists. there was an aching kind of pain. it's like a hundred ants nibbling you at the same time at the same spot but the pain was good. it was enough to get me awake and focused enough to realized what i did. there were about two bottles lying on the ground at the side of the bed and a razor blade beside the bottles. the bed was soaked red. then there was christ sitting in front of me. his eyes was red and his face was pale. his hands that are applying pressure on my wirst through the towel were trembling. with rage or worry i couldn't tell.
are you okay?
what were you thinking? 
huh?
i told you if you couldn't sleep at night or anything just give me a call! what's the meaning of this?
his voice had risen, louder and louder
i don't know. i just dreamt about what happened in the past and i just can't take the pain and looked for salvation.
he stared at me, like as if he could see through my soul. those eyes. then he grabbed me by my neck and pulled me towards his chest.
just cry, as loud as you want. i am here for you. just cry, you need it.
it was like a parent telling a kid that he's there, that she's safe in his arms. the overwhelming feelings flowed out together with my tears. i wiped my tears on his shirt.i cried long and hard. it has been a really long time since i was able to cry without having worry about anything that will happen after that. without keeping track about the time. minutes and probably hours have passed. i ended up being in between of christ's laps. his arms were around me and his chin was on my head the whole time telling me everything is okay or everything is going to be fine. when i finally stopped crying i felt drained. i just felt really tired like i haven't slept in months.
christ, i feel like sleeping. 
then just sleep. i'll be here. by your side.
okay. can you sing me to sleep?
yeah. sure.
*
i woke up to the darkness surrounding me. i reached out for the lamp by the bed. christ was lying there like before. the bottles on the floor were gone as well as the red stains on the bed. he had changed and removed them. my wrists they were properly bandaged. i slide over to christ and snuggle into his arms. today, i just want to be in the care of another person. i don't want to think about anything else.
*
goodnight midnight bunnies
this is a really short post
but i've got some matters going on.
so yeah. have fun and sleep early!!