I don't need

It’s had been a while since I actually felt this way. All these time I managed to pull it through by telling people I am okay. At worst of the season I would say I am not okay but I will pull it through. I will be okay soon enough. But this time I could literally feel my world being torn apart. Briefly thinking about it brings the tears to the brim of my eyes and my nose just keeps getting sensitive. This time, I guess I was just brave and weak enough to break down in front of someone. In my life I felt that the people I hold close to myself are those that I could handle and the reasons why I didn’t stop caring and let them go is because I don’t have the courage to. People think that I am brave enough to do all the kinds of shit stuff in my life, but honestly all those were just act of recklessness and the dare to challenge something new. This time, I actually have to hear it through someone else. He had to tell me ‘I know that you are stronger than that. You are stronger than me. Look at all the things you have brought me through.’ I look back at all the accomplishments I have made together with my friends and I saw nothing. In the end those troubles that we have gone through together didn’t really place a big impact on me. It might be to them but it wasn’t to me. I could easily help people get a solution, and I have been so fucking naïve all these while for being appreciated. All I did to them in the past might just be unnecessary commentary in the near future. When I heard him say that I broke down even more. I feel like I couldn’t breathe enough to be myself anymore. Being constantly judged of the things I do and people telling me the way I do things is wrong. I really don’t fucking care if anything happens to those I am not close to. At that moment I just did what I think is right. All you did was just comment about the way I handle things and reprimand me for it. I heard it the first time, and many times after before I zoned out. You said so too yourself, you don’t have to keep emphasizing on the facts that people don’t want to hear. I can handle the truth unlike you. I got the message crystal clear the first time I heard it, as the guilt was already darkening my thoughts. Maybe you haven’t thought about the possibilities about that but that is me. Even after the 5-6 years with you, if you didn’t notice how much of an emotional person I could be, then shame on you. Calling me your sister and friend. At that point, I was only asking if I have your trust. Right now, I feel that it isn’t as important anymore. I never liked the feeling of rejection and regret so I chose not to do so and endure the shit I will be put through. But now, the grip is slipping and I don’t want to hang on anymore, I don’t mind letting go for the greater good in my life. I don’t want to be surrounded by people that I feel are important to me and feel empty. Like no thoughts would come to my mind, I don’t know what to say and feel like shit soon after. I don’t need people that drag me down that bottomless pit that I am so familiar with. I don’t need people that push me down at the edge of darkness if they don’t plan to lift my head above the dark waters. I don’t need all this if that meant keeping you close. I just want some peace and serenity not the emptiness that fills my soul with the sound of glass breaking every single time.

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Goodnight midnight bunnies